How To Break Up With A Gay

A local gay writes to say: “I need to read a blog post that teaches one how to break up with someone.” Ask and you shall receive. On Fridays, at least.

The majority of gay-on-gay breakups are done through either sudden shunning or slow fade. Gays are equally good at both. That is the Level Three breakup, and it’s really common, and I mean that in both senses. It’s easy, frequent and kind of terrible! Everyone hates to get faded on but everyone loves to always be fading.

The Level Two breakup is a sort of horrible, confusing, awkward conversation (often over phone or IM!) about how “things in your life are happening and you need to focus on them.” It’s half-assed, even when it’s true.

But Level One breakups are where it’s at.

Level One breakups are when you’ve “gone clear” on relationships (just kidding, I’m not a Scientologist, swear) and you know how to conduct yourself authoritatively and adultly. These are breakups where the relationship just isn’t right for you. (You ask yourself: “Am I enjoying this? Is this what I want?” If the answer is no, then you break up. Simple.) This isn’t for breakups where the other person is an asshole or a drug addict. (Those are easy: “Your drug use/assholism/whatever makes me unwilling to date you.”)

It’s a skill that comes and goes too! Sometimes you can sack up and perform a good breakup. Sometimes you can’t.

Basically, you can cheat on any one of these things but not more than one of these things:

A Level One breakup is:

• A serious conversation…

• …in person…

• …that includes the phrase “I don’t want to date you any more” or “I don’t want to have a relationship with you any more.” That’s a complete sentence. It may be surrounded by waffling, baffling or self-undermining sentences, but it must stand on its own and in the end it…

• … leaves the dumped gay feeling like he has been treated with respect.

To be fair, I have committed exactly one Level One breakup in my life (mmm, maybe two of them) and I have had more than my share of breakups. It’s not easy, and it’s really easy to just shine people on. And also? Just because you’ve committed a Level One breakup doesn’t mean that everyone’s going to feel good, even in years to come! But at least you’ll sleep better at night.