15 Other Secrets Your Waiter Will Never Tell You
by Bob Powers
What would two dozen servers from across the country tell you if they could get away with it? We don’t know, but it seems like a great idea for a popular web story that is sure to pay extra dividends from search traffic, particularly if people are searching for terms like “waiter,” “secrets,” “restaurant secrets,” “list of secrets,” “Valentine’s Day” and “lies.” We don’t go in for that sort of thing at The Awl, so instead we’re going to give you the real, authentic secrets of waiters that restaurants don’t want you to know about food or porn or pornography or hot naked chicks. Get ready for some truth.
15. When I was in middle school, my gym teacher used to pay me ten dollars to sit with him in the locker room and watch him cry.
14. This restaurant isn’t real. You’ve been Inceptioned.
PLUS: The Key to ‘Inception’: It’s a Movie About Making Movies
13. My parents aren’t my real parents. They kidnapped me when I was an infant. I don’t know who my biological parents are. My parents told me all of this when I graduated from college, and they said I could turn them in to the police if I wanted. They said I deserved the right to go and find out who my biological parents are, and they would happily suffer the consequences. “We’re ready to go to jail if that’s what you want,” they said. “Having had the opportunity to raise such a wonderful boy is worth spending the rest of our lives in prison.” I decided not to bother because I’m real busy trying to get some momentum going with my band. Also, we’ve run out of the cuttlefish.
12. I don’t understand why people like “Mad Men” so much.
PLUS: Don Draper Is Definitely Not A Pussy
11. You’re not actually sitting in my station. I asked one of the other waiters if I could take your table because you look exactly like my former roommate, Kim Randolph. In 2007, Kim hanged herself in her bedroom while I was home for Christmas. Waiting on you lets me pretend she’s still alive and there’s still time to reach out to her and offer her some help, so I hope you don’t mind if I touch your shoulder when I tell you about the specials.
10. Every time I ever said, “I love you,” it’s been a lie.
PLUS: Cat Ladies And Love
9. You’re not going to believe this, but before you arrived at the restaurant your friends secreted a birthday cake in the kitchen. After you finish your entrees, I’ve been told to bring the cake to your table, covered in lit candles. The cake says, “Happy Birthday Melanie” on it. We’re going to sing a song to you. All of us, the wait staff, the busboys, your table-mates. We’re all going to sing a song to you, Melanie.
8. Back when Myspace was big, three of my Top 8 had restraining orders against me.
PLUS: Knock, Knock. Who’s There? Your Stalker.
7. I’m a cop.
6. My landlord offered to take $300 off my rent if I’d let him install a closed circuit camera in my bathroom. I’m 80% sure that I can get him up to $400.
PLUS: Things Visible in the Windows of the Apartment Building Across the Way
5. I never texted ten dollars to Haiti.
4. For my first four months at this job, the line cooks refused to call me anything but “Faggot.”
PLUS: The Definitive KFC Double Down Review
3. Every time I ever said, “No I’ve never been to that planetarium,” it’s been a lie.
2. The only time I feel like a good person is when I’m masturbating to porn and I close a window because the scene got too rapey. Like when it’s five-on-one or there’s a lot of gagging. I close the window and I feel really impressed with myself. That’s the closest I ever get to being socially responsible. I’ll see a video of what looks like someone being assaulted and I’ll say, “No, I will not masturbate to that.”
PLUS: Chooching: What You Need To Know
1. I have no idea what’s going on in Egypt right now. An earthquake or something?
Bob Powers is a freelance writer in New York City. Read his blog or follow him on Twitter.