The Ex-Jock Full-Employment Plan

Oh, what a joy it was for me to watch BYU beat San Diego State in Provo, Utah on CBS College Sports last Wednesday. It had next to nothing to do with the game itself — a mighty performance from white basketball pundit boner-inducer Jimmer Fredette. No, my whole week was made when, at the halftime break, I was treated — all of us were, really — to the sight of Alaa Abdelnaby in the CBSCS studio.

Former Final Four participant and awkwardly oblong center with Duke, Abdelnaby arrived straight from the “Holy shit! It’s that guy!” file. Smiling, wearing a sharp suit, Abdelnaby looked relaxed and polished as he kidded around with his studio mates and offered his uniquely Abdelnabyian insights into the first half of the game.

I don’t remember any of the insights, honestly. Not that they were particularly bad or anything. At least then I’d probably remember them. No one really remembers much of anything studio hacks say at halftime unless they start making absurd, overly bombastic statements (e.g. “If Fredette stays this hot, he’ll be the number one pick in the draft!” Which he definitely will not.). But I do remember the rising elation I experienced at seeing Abdelnaby’s mug grinning at the camera. Right there, talking at me, was the first Egyptian player in the NBA!

CBS College Sports is just one of the many cable channels that have emerged in recent years to accommodate our country’s apparent insatiability for live sports. As a total college hoops nerd, I applaud and support the continuance of this in theory. But there’s an element of the growth of the sports television industry that concerns me and which could prove upsetting if it remains unchecked: ex-jocks forever finding employment.

Sitting directly across from Abdelnaby in the CBS College Sports studio was former Miami (Ohio) All-American and one-time NBA All-Star Wally Szczerbiak. A serviceable player for a while in the NBA, Szczerbiak fits the bill of former jock commentator to a tee. Once a recognizable basketball figure? Check. From Long Island/New York area? Check. Dark-haired white guy? Check. Gelled hair that could pop a balloon and/or double as a weapon in a pinch? Check and check. Adored by hoops reporters for his slight resemblance to a reporter’s theoretical imagined athletic ability and complexion? Oh, checkitty freaking check check.

The other two guys at the CBSCS table were one Jon Rothstein, who I guess I am supposed to just assume is an expert — it turns out, he’s some MSG network guy — since no chyron emerged to tell me why I would want to listen to him. C’mon, people, what am I supposed to do without a chyron? At least I knew who Abdelnaby and Szczerbiak were. The only other guy was the host. He looked and acted like a host. Hosts are there to keep the other guys from having brain freeze, get the whole thing to commercial on time and keep the ex-jocks from losing focus and repeatedly calling players by the wrong name. I have no real beef with hosts insomuch as they avoid talking much.

But as dumb as it is, I actually like color guys and analysts, for the most part. My only real litmus test is that they have to have something to say that’s interesting. It doesn’t have to be about the reverse triple backdoor cut or what they learned playing for (fill in name of former coach with selectively remembered success/respect). Just tell me something I didn’t know already. Here, none of the three non-host guys could do that. In fact, none was honestly necessary. Just three guys (and a host) offering up bland thoughts on a half I just sat through. Seemed like a lot of nothing to me. Were two of them afraid to do it alone? Was it a tryout? The presence of the other guys made it seem like maybe none of them really could get it done solo. Just the four of them all sitting awkwardly around a table in various stages of comfort or discomfort.

By the way, is anyone teaching these guys how to sit? Because if so, they appear to be learning different ways or learning at different speeds. Szczerbiak looked as if he was driving a pimp car that he’d just clicked the three-wheel motion on. Meanwhile, randomly occasional ESPN studio guy and former Notre Dame standout LaPhonso Ellis sits so straight and smiles so much it’s creepy. LaPhonso, you don’t have to sit like that and smile like you just keep stealing glances at Erin Andrews from behind. We get that you’re happy to be employed. I digress…

It’s become a stretch to assume that because someone (a) played basketball or (b) spent a long time near a basketball is an expert and therefore is, by proxy, worth putting on camera. Don’t get me wrong: I understand the irony of someone like me calling this to anyone’s attention. But no one is putting me in front of a camera and gelling my hair up. Though it’d be pretty rad if that happened. I’d probably smile like LaPhonso Ellis the entire time. “Seriously, Scott Van Pelt, this is so awesome!”

My only real qualifier with former players in the studio is they should be someone people remember. Ellis was really good. Szczerbiak, too. Abdelnaby, fine. Every time I see former Ohio State star Jimmy Jackson sitting alongside whatever bronze-voiced white dude he sits across from in the Big Ten Network studio I remember how unbelievably awesome Jackson was as a Buckeye. Same with Mateen Cleaves. But there are so many outlets now, so many channels and games to cover, that we’re getting pretty deep into the bench.

If we’re not careful, such gigs can very easily become a Second-Chance Hotel for disgraced stars and nobodies, especially the deeper you go down the cable food chain. The Big Ten Network at one point had former Iowa recovering cokehead Roy Marble do studio work for them. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t go smoothly. Honestly, Big Ten Network, there weren’t any other mildly employed former Big Ten stars? Where is former Hoosier Greg Graham? He was great! If you’re just going to let them pass right over you, Greg Graham…

Or maybe I have it wrong. Maybe stars don’t always make for the best analysts? After all, they were too busy being good to watch the plays develop. That’s why you’re much less likely to see Ed O’Bannon talking up Akron’s three-quarter-court press in a few years than you are Larry O’Bannon.

Then there’s the Doug Gottlieb sub-division. Gottlieb has inexplicably become a go-to college hoops guy for ESPN, but he’s pretty awful. His main vibe seems to be “I’ll piss fans off so they’ll watch.” He’ll toss out an informed comment every so often, but usually follow it up by looking and acting like the guy your friend brings to the bar who ruins everyone’s evening by buying disgusting shots for everyone before leaving without paying. Gottlieb himself was a decent college player — he led the nation in assists despite being literally unable to hit layups — albeit one with a shady past. This in some ways is the epitome of the jock-to-TV arc gone wrong. You trot him out to talk about some Renardo Sidney or Jacob Pullen infraction and a guy who was booted from Notre Dame for credit card fraud starts tsk tsking and shaming kids for what they’ve done. That’s rich, and predictable.

But, whatever. Gottlieb is one guy. The issue is that ESPN has its own farm system of would-be Gottliebs. Guys like Sean Farnham, who apparently was on the basketball team at UCLA in the late 1990s. Farnham came from working out west with other notables from basketball days bygone like Don Maclean and Michael Cage.He’s one of those guys with good looks and enthusiasm and, like Gottlieb and unlike Abdelnaby and Szczerbiak, apparently no fear of offering his opinion on whatever topic you’re willing to have him comment on. If you asked him about the situation in Egypt, he’d have plenty to say on that, too. I guess he’s good looking enough to ditch radio, where he came from, though I have yet to see exactly what he adds. He is buddies with Turtle from “Entourage,” so I guess that means we’ll be seeing more of him? Yay.

At ESPNU — the Double A of Total Sports Networks — the trend of finding guys affiliated with college hoops as on-camera talent seems to have been taken to a new and more depressing level. Rather than pack its stable with former athletes, The U went a step further to become the de facto first phone call for failed and dismissed coaches. Alabama cast-off Mark Gottfried, St. Johns trou-dropper Fran Frachilla, former Eddie Sutton assistant/hangover cure Jimmy Dykes, Bob Knight protégé/whipping boy Dan Dakich are just a few of the assembled “talent” you’ll see on a given night on ESPNU studio shows. For game nights, the ESPN family of networks has even instituted a new feature where, after a timeout, the color man “coach” diagrams some play one of the teams is or might be running on a clipboard while wearing his headset on the sideline. Oh, I get it, it’s cause he used to coach! But honestly, what purpose does this serve except to make these guys sadder? If the guy was that good at diagramming plays, would he really be there wearing that tan Men’s Wearhouse suit and chatting up the dance team during breaks?

I guess instead of griping so much I should be thankful. After all, the preponderance of ESPN and FOX Sports Net and CBS-affiliated broadcasts has at least dragged us away from the old days of regional telecasts like the UK Basketball Network and its cousins around the nation. I’d listen to 4,500 Jimmy Dykes “violent cuts” comments before I watch another Zapruder-quality image of former UK All-American and former miserable Morehead State coach Kyle Macy. But even Macy was better than Kenny “Sky” Walker, who never totally seemed to grasp that folks weren’t listening to hear him and his sweet ass fade haircut talk.

Every school’s fan that suffers through the early season slate must deal with their versions of Macy and Walker, no doubt. For example, Louisville uses Bob Valvano, better known as Jimmy’s brother. I won’t even get into how bad that is … OK, I will. Imagine being locked in a Vietnamese prison cell with the worst person you’ve ever met. Now imagine you can never sleep or cover your ears. Now imagine the worst person you ever met just got cannibalized by Bob Valvano. You’re halfway there.

Of course, as the cable television market continues to grow and move online, there are exponentially more opportunities for these guys to find work. Someone has to do stock halftime interviews for the dead air of ESPN Full Court and ESPN3.com online broadcasts. Imagine my excitement at flipping around on Saturday and seeing Macy on one of the ESPN Full Court halftime feeds giving his “insights.” It was as if I’d gone on vacation and seen my gum-smacking office co-worker checking in ahead of me. Into my room.

I could always stop watching, or turn the sound down. But why does it have to be my responsibility? Isn’t it television’s job to cater to me? I refuse to believe there is this large and vocal segment of the population clamoring for more Kyle Macy or more Doug Gottlieb. Someone is rigging this shit.

CBS recently announced its new announcer lineup for the re-jiggered NCAA tournament in March. Among the new names are Steve Kerr, himself a Jimmer Fredette at Arizona years ago, and Steve Smith, a can’t-miss pro from Michigan State who missed. This, along with the usual batch of Seth Davises and Gus Johnsons and Clark Kelloggs. Now CBS, having partnered with TNT and TBS and truTV (do I even get truTV?), will also cross-pollinate its college coverage with TNT’s NBA team, meaning Chuck Barkley and Kenny Smith and Ernie Johnson will bring their shtick to NCAA games. This is great, because what I really hated about the NCAA tournament up to now was the lack of self-important dudes injecting their jock-tainment into my basketball enjoyment.

I guess so long as there is basketball on TV to cover there’s always hope for ever-fattening jocks looking for analyst work. Maybe we can even make a game out of it. We pick the ex-player and CBS or ESPN or whomever finds a place to fit him in. This is how we’ll get Khalid El-Amin bringing us Iona games and Chris “Fire” Corchiani telling us how The Citadel brings the pain. Even if it’s not creating four- and five-man broadcast teams for single games, ESPN or CBS can always create a few new channels to show MEAC and CAA games around the clock, can’t they?

If so, Harold “The Show” Arceneaux, you better get your agent on the horn.

THREE TO WATCH THIS WEEK:

Penn State at #21 Illinois

: Quick: name which of these teams has a better conference record? HINT: It’s not the recently-ranked one. I can’t guarantee this will be brilliant basketball, but I can guarantee that Illinois better not lose this game. Despite dropping four of their last five in the Big Ten, the Illini are still riding early season hopes (hype?). Bruce Weber has been given a few years’ leeway but how long will Illinois continue to accept losing games he should be winning? Meanwhile, Nittany Lions senior Talor Battle has played his team into bubble contention (again). PSU won the earlier meeting, kicking off Illinois’ current slide. Tuesday at 9 pm, Big Ten Network.

Harvard at Princeton: Harvard hired fleeing Michigan coach Tommy Amaker to turn its basketball program into the class of the Ivy League, then turned a blind eye to some decidedly non-Ivy recruiting practices. The result? The Crimson are finally dominating the league. Riding an eight-game win streak, Harvard travels to face their main rival for this season’s league title on national cable TV. Princeton has been reborn in recent seasons under coach Sydney Johnson. The Ivy does not have a postseason tournament, so the regular season takes on added significance as the decider of the league’s NCAA representative. Friday at 7 pm, ESPNU.

#16 Kentucky at #23 Florida: The SEC as a conference is even more down than usual this season. The battle for the Eastern Division will likely come down to these two teams (with Tennessee still possible). They also never much cared for each other to begin with, as despite back-to-back titles this decade, Florida can’t seem to usurp Kentucky as the class of the conference year-in, year-out. Expect more offense than defense from Florida, who will hope the good Kenny Boynton shows up and not the chucker without a conscience. Saturday at 9 pm, ESPN.

Originally from Kentucky, JL Weill now writes from Washington, DC. His take on politics, culture and sports can be found at The New Deterrence and on Twitter.