Run, Rudy, Run! An Editorial

by The Awl

Nothing would be better for our nation than to have America’s Mayor™, Rudy Giuliani, throwing his hat in the ring for the Presidency for next year’s election. He brings a major benefit to any serious political moment: the principle of chaos. His proximity to any political race, in fact, brings a mad destabilizing power. In New Hampshire in January of 2008, Rudy flew in to take 9% of the Republican primary vote, narrowly beating Ron Paul. (It should also be remembered that John Edwards nearly got twice that, in the Democratic vote.) The Gulianimentum threw everything into disorder, from the moment he arrived, flanked endlessly by state troopers. It skewed votes, bent minds, and opened up a special vista into the political process, namely: that any schmuck could run, thereby exposing the other candidates to serious scrutiny: are these people just “any schmuck” too? By and large, they were. (To be fair, Chuck Norris being constantly beside Mike Huckabee didn’t help that cause either, let’s not forget.)

But it’s true: after I signed on for a day following around the Giuliani campaign, and filed a few little stories, my editor had to write back to tell me we couldn’t just publish mean things about him. And I was like, but that’s all there is! It’s just him, walking down the street, getting yelled at by homeless people, and cutting people off in town halls, and being rude and sarcastic to people, and bumbling around like a rich fish out of water! You’d never seen a press corps so delighted and aghast. David Corn looked like someone had pasted a three-foot smile over his face.

And now? It has been a long recession. (Less so for Giuliani, as his outfits have spent the time lobbying for drug companies and charging Mexico City millions of dollars for telling them to get rid of “squeegee men” and so on.) We’ve been through tough times as a country!

And so the editorial staff of this publication would like to remind all of America that we must remember the healing power of laughter. Run, Rudy, run. We beg. Also now that you mention it, a Rudy Giuliani-Chris Christie ticket would be a dream come true — like a top-notch Abbot and Costello movie, but where they’re both dicks.