My Patented Program to Treat Fear of Flying

People who hate flying all pretty much hate the usual things. They hate: turbulence, confinement, heights, strange sensations of velocity or tilt, being out of control, and, of course, other people. And there’s lots of these phobic people! It’s the most popular of all of our modern phobias. The other day, someone asked: what are the most important things to do in life before I have a baby next year? And I was like: fly on airplanes all the time, because flying phobias often have their onset when people have babies. (That’s because that’s when straight people finally realize their mortality. Silly straight people.)

There are plenty of programs that can help with fear of flying. The older desensitization or inundation-method programs — they take you to the airport, they teach you about planes, then pretty soon they stuff you on one and call you fixed — have given way to programs that teach you how to treat and rewire your anxieties. Often more effective!

Those are great. Hey man: whatever works. But there’s a third fear of flying program. I’ve patented it. It’s easy. And I’m going to give it to you for free!

Dress up.
You know who dies in plane crashes and loses at life in general? People who wear sweatpants and ugly stuff to the airport. If you treat yourself as important and classy, you’ll be treated as such. Men should put on a tie! Everyone should wear something fabulous. It makes you feel a thousand times better. Pretend that you’re getting on a glamorous ocean liner.

At least you’re not sailing the North Atlantic.
You know who dies in transit? People who have to travel on glamorous ocean liners. Think about this constantly. At least you’re not heaving and yawing on some hideous rustbucket in a freezing ocean — for a week.

Turbulence is fun.
Watch the flight attendants in case you’re worried: they don’t give a shit. The pilot is probably napping through it. Turbulence isn’t anything — it’s this thing we made up, you’re mostly just going from one bit of air going one way to air going another. Big deal! People just like to have something to worry about.

Appreciate the private time.
Sure you might be wall to wall with strangers, and you even might have WiFi if you’re going coast-to-coast. But airplane time is the one time in this world when you have an excuse to not answer emails, to watch a crappy movie, to sit and zone out, to read a book, trash or otherwise. This is a significant and novel freedom!

Be a rich white man.
Here’s the most important component of my patented program. You know how famous and rich people are traveling around the world constantly? (This is why you always overhear great things at airports and on planes, like on-air talent yelling at top volume at network heads and then at their agents right before they sign up with another network, ahem.) Rich white men and famous people (except Kate Bush and David Bowie) don’t give a shit about flying. You know why? Because they expect everything to be taken care of for them. And guess what? It is. They don’t have to care! They’re busy running the world. Dealing with tasks like flying a plane or making dinner, that is outside their purview. All they want is another scotch and to cheat on their wives in a hotel room when they arrive at whatever rich place they’re going and to get more money. Rich white men always are getting on planes so as to get more paper. So act like that. Get a pedicure, get your hair did: you too can be a rich white man, but you can’t be a rich white man if you never go anywhere and you don’t treat yourself like you’re the most important thing in the world. So won’t you spend some time thinking about yourself? You don’t have to be a dick when you get off the plane — but it sure helps being self-centered when you’re on it. You may think I’m joking, but I’m deadly serious here: muster up all the entitlement you can and ride it out. It almost works for Arianna Huffington, but the secret is also to be super-gracious to the plane crew and the people around you. That’s what the really rich people like to do. Like you!