Have You Thought About Your Declining Fertility Yet Today?

The baby train is leaving, ladies. Will you be on it? Not if you keep focusing on your career. Or so say doctors, who, in their latest salvo to convince you that your offspring-producing abilities are rapidly shriveling away, warn that “women aged 35 are six times more likely to have problems conceiving compared to those ten years younger…. By the age of 40, a woman is more likely to have a miscarriage than give birth.” I know you think your job is important and stuff, but deep down don’t you really understand that the whole point of womanhood is to birth children? Those files you’re spending the weekends clearing up? They’re not going to make you a misspelled birthday card with crayons and construction paper. That PowerPoint presentation you’ve put all those extra hours in on? It’s not going to have your eyes. Your annual review? Will it cuddle up in bed with you and say, “I love you, mommy”? Of course not. Sure, I guess you can always adopt, but is it really the same if it’s not a miniature version of you? Get cracking on that baby, because you know how we treat older women who have never fulfilled their biological imperative in this society. (Spoiler: We ignore them.) Don’t let it happen to you.