Why Can't Johnny Drink?

For those of you who are of the opinion that our young people are coddled and soft, too busy playing their video games and posting pictures of Justin Bieber to their Facebook pages, a disturbing new report shows exactly how far America’s youth has fallen in just a few short years.

A major Federal study released today reported that underage drinking rates among 8th, 10th and 12th graders are at their lowest levels since the study’s inception, according to the Distilled Spirits Council.

The 2010 Monitoring the Future Survey, jointly released by the National Institute on Drug Abuse and the University of Michigan, noted as a highlight of the survey that “[f]or 12th graders 2010 marks the lowest level of alcohol use since the study’s inception in 1975. For 8th and 10th graders it marks the lowest point since these grades were first included in the study in 1991. Since 1991, thirty-day prevalence rates have fallen by about half among 8th graders, by close to one third among 10th graders, and by nearly one quarter among 12th graders.”

According to the study, the proportion of students reporting binge drinking at least once in the two weeks prior to the survey also fell in all three grades in 2010.

See, this is how shit like Four Loko happens. Unless kids are willing to put in the time to sneaking whatever is in the liquor cabinet, no matter how harsh or revolting it seems initially, they are never going to learn about the sweet sting of that first sip, that bitter but enveloping embrace that assures you everything is about to be all right. Why, in my day we would create the most noxious combinations possible, all in service of developing our proficiency as drinkers (and not getting caught). Cynar and brandy? I’ve belted it back and begged for another. Bourbon, Galliano and gin? We called that cocktail the “Hurry Up, Mom’s Home.” It was arduous, to be sure, but it built character: drinking character. The way things are going right now these kids are going to grow up thinking candified vodka concoctions like the Cosmopolitan are hardcore beverages. And when that happens America will have truly lost its way. I weep for the future.