Ladies Rank 'Sopranos' Actors

“Now the man’s lap who I would bounce on forever, until my hips shattered from the 7.9 Richter scale fuckquake we would have is Imperioli. GOOD GAWD! Have you seen him go from guido to East Village gypsy with his wiley mustache, Serpico leather jacket, and slender hips? He’s like a Voltron of fuck parts. And with Christofahh I feel like he’s crazy without being socio, like Tony. Imperioli, with the chest hair and the gonzo schonz, just drives me wild. Michael and I would have great theater people sex. All performative and smelly…. ARE YOU READING THIS MICHAEL IMPERIOLI, I WILL MAKE YOU SEE STARS THROUGH MY MIDDLE PARTS!!”
 — As part of their efforts to elevate the tone on the Internet, our pals over at The Hairpin have launched their “Fuck Marry Kill” column, starring Julie Klausner and Natasha Vargas-Cooper. The inaugural edition pits Steve Buscemi, Michael Imperioli and James Gandolofini against each other. Much anguish ensues, as does some joy.