Dear Chris Bosh

Just imagine, for a brief moment, that you, Chris Bosh, and me, some guy, are having a conversation. You were a perennial All-Star, albeit on a Canadian team, which is akin to being a really nice painting hanging in an attic. Forget the talent, and the millions of dollars. All that is great, but all you’ve really wanted was respect. You’ve craved it, actually. And so, even though fans continually demanded to see you at the NBA Midwinter Classic (I just made that name up) you jumped at the chance to move to Miami to play with your boys, D-Wade and Bron, and to win a ring that you’d had a snowball’s chance in hell of collecting in Canada. I don’t blame you. Given the chance, I would do the same, not that anyone’s asking me.

But…1 4.7 points per game and 5.4 rebounds per game on the season, down from last season’s 20 and 9? Those numbers wouldn’t make the Basketball City All-Star team. Sure, you were prepared to sacrifice some personal glory for the good of the team. After all, LeBron went from 27.7 to 20.7, and hasn’t complained a lick about it. Granted, he’s otherwise engaged being alien-autopsied by Clevelanders, who have created the mother of all viral beat-downs.

The fans may hate LeBron — and by “may,” we mean, “totally do” — but they’re ridiculing you. Why, some high school kid even created a “Chris Bosh Sucks” tribute page on Facebook. His reasoning: “Chris bosh is a really bad player..example… HE SUCKS AT BASKETBALL.”

Now, Chris, we all know you don’t suck. You’re blessed with rare coordination and skills and have proven yourself as an upper-tier talent. But you haven’t exactly played up your standards this season. Or even Chris “Birdman” Andersen’s standards. There have already been two games where you’ve managed to tally a single rebound. No, seriously, we read your stats on NBA.com: one rebound.

Refreshingly, it hasn’t taken long for you to come clean. Still, your choice of words leaves something to be desired, especially for Heat fans. Or men, even. You “get a little lost” and are “kind of back on [your] heels”? Really, Chris?

Perhaps you’ll wake up soon. And if not, who cares? The team is winning. It’s begun to snow in Toronto and it’s bikini weather in Miami all year long. So you’ll be watching the All-Star Game on TV while your boys yuk it up with Dwight Howard. You can’t have everything.

Anymore, that is.

Tony Gervino is a New York City-based editor and writer obsessed with honing his bio to make him sound quirky. He can also be found here.

Photo by adamtbailey, from Flickr.