The Way We Stick Things Into Other Things Now

How are we doing sex to each other these days? In a pleasantly diversified fashion! According to research from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, we are doing sex in 41 combinations of the following: “penile-vaginal intercourse, solo masturbation, partnered masturbation, oral sex and anal sex.” While penis-vagina remains a safe and popular investment, we’re seeing strong growth in almost all sectors.

Although it may be reaching a point where it no longer has room for expansion, I remain bullish on oral sex: “Eighty-eight percent of men aged 30–39 have performed oral sex on a woman. Almost 69 percent did it in the past year. Eighteen percent of boys aged 16–17 have given a girl oral sex in the past year. More than 10 percent of men in three age groups have given oral sex to another man.” Hahaha, 69!

The broader market also shows the increasing upside to anal: “The Laumann study found that about 12 percent of women aged 25–29 had experienced anal sex in the previous year. Now it’s doubled. The new study found that 21 percent of women in that age group had anal sex in the last year. By the time girls are 19, the new study shows, 20 percent have had anal sex at least once.”

And, of course, the perennial popularity of masturbation makes that position a strong hold.

While there are some signs of gloom in the forecast-oropharyngeal cancer may prove to be the collateralized debt obligations of the Blowjob Composite-increased vaccinations and the rise of condom-backed securities indicate that we will be spared a meltdown similar to the one that occurred back in May (which federal investigators have said was the result of a single act of docking in Overland Park, Kansas). We have finally built a market that is too big to fail. I urge everyone to get in.