Dreamcrasher, With Brady Hammock: Oprah's Not Laughing

by Brady Hammock

Every night millions of us interact with the rich and famous-in our dreams. But why should those celebrity encounters remain off the record? Star columnist Brady Hammock is here to bring you all the dirt about your favorite personalities and how they really act when they think they’re safe behind the scrim of your subconscious.

OPRAH TO DREAMER: WATCH THE CASUAL RAPE JOKES

Perhaps you assume there are some limits to Oprah Winfrey’s knowledge, power, and reach. Well, if our dream-tipster is right-then you’re wrong!

Here’s what happened in our source’s recent dream. “There was a knock on my door,” she confides. “It was Oprah, and behind her were many women who as a group were immediately recognizable as ‘her audience.’”

Can you imagine!? Oprah and “her audience” come a-knocking? Do vampire invite-rules apply? Perhaps so, because according to this tipster, Oprah asked if “they” could enter. “So I let them into the gigantic space that was my apartment in the dream,” Dreamcatcher’s exclusive source continues. “It turned out that Oprah (and Gayle, who was also suddenly there holding Oprah’s hand) was very concerned that I was making casual jokes about rape in everyday cocktail party conversation.”

Well! Dreamcrasher does not intend to get involved in the politics of casual rape jokes! So we pass no judgment on what happened next.

“I promised that I would try to stop,” our source relates. “But I was lying. I had no intention of stopping. I just wanted Oprah to leave, because I was sleepy.”

‘TRUE BLOOD’ HUNK “BORED” WITH SHOW!

Alexander SkarsgÃ¥rd, best known as fang-bangable Eric Northman on HBO’s bizarrely successful vampire vehicle “True Blood,” confessed in a recent dream that he is “kinda bored” with the show.

According to a probably reliable tipster, the cartoonishly hunky Swede blithely confessed his coolness toward one of our impoverished pop culture’s apparent bright spots in a dream that involved cruising in a convertible on an improbably deserted Los Angeles freeway.

“He didn’t really elaborate,” says this source of the man who starred in his dream. “I just brought up the show and how I like it, and he said he was kinda bored with it. He looked really sensational; it was a perfect day. I remember that.” Annoyingly, this dreamer offers no further details of SkarsgÃ¥rd’s take on Alan Ball, Anna Paquin, or anything else that we can sink our teeth into, pleading imperfect memories.

“Don’t make me sound gay,” he adds.

EMERIL, STILL BAM-ING THROUGH DREAMLAND-WITH HIS INCREDIBLY DISTURBING LIMBLESS AND TORSO-LESS TWIN!!

Emeril Lagasse, though largely forgotten by the entertainment establishment and Americans in general, evidently continues to thrive in the dream-states of our readers.

“This time,” says a trustworthy source describing activities that unfolded before her eyes in a recent dream, “he was performing a standing-room-only concert.” Performing? You mean cooking live onstage? No, faithful readers: In this dream, Emeril was singing country music!

But that’s not the weird thing. “The weird thing,” our tipster claims, “was that he was performing a close-harmony duet with his twin.” Well that is weird. Emeril has a twin? Well whatever, because that’s actually, really, seriously, very much, NOT the weird part.

The weird part is that the twin “had lost all his limbs and his torso in the war.”

That’s right, faithful readers: Emeril’s heretofore unknown twin, without limbs or torso, joined his famous brother and belt out a country duet. How did he overcome what our source politely calls “his disabilities”?

Like this: “ His head was attached to a bipedal robotic platform.”

Ah.

Have you slumbered around with a star? What popular singer surprised you in your dream by becoming your high school algebra teacher? Brady Hammock wants to share your story with the world. Tattle your tale-or as much of it as you can remember-here. Confidentiality GUARANTEED! Pleasant dreams!