Here Comes The Sun

What’s that, Science? You’ve got something important to tell us? What is it, boy?

The Sun appears to have jolted from its deep slumber, blasting tonnes of plasma into interplanetary space on Sunday, which is expected to collide with the Earth within the next 24 hours.

“This eruption is directed right at us, and is expected to get here early in the day on 4 August,” says astronomer Leon Golub of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics. “It’s the first major Earth-directed eruption in quite some time.”

Wait, we’re all going to die in a hail of fiery solar particles? Oh GOD WHY NOW I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR! I TAKE IT ALL BACK! I WANT TO LIVE! LIVE! Huh? Oh, it’s just going to be a display of auroral light? Why didn’t you say so in the first place? I’m gonna go smoke.