A Guide to the 2010 Republican Up-And-Comers

Ben Quayle: Competing to represent Arizona’s 3rd congressional district. Figured that enough people would have forgotten his blithering not-Jack-Kennedy father to make his unfortunate genetics a non-issue, yet had the paterfamilias announce his candidacy on Fox News’ “America Live” (a factless daytime chat show hosted by Greta Van Susteren’s understudy) because he is a sniveling and fearful child. Tried to compensate for this transparent cowardice with the ad above attacking Barack Obama-who is not one of his nine Republicans opponents in the upcoming GOP primary-as the “worst president in history,” and delivered his lines as though he were trying to convince an underage hooker to run away with him to El Salvador. Instrumental in the ascendence of TheDirty.com, a sex-themed gossip site whose predecessor counted him among its stable of erotically stunted authors. “He was the guy that, you know, people would send pictures to of hot chicks, and he would put together who he thought was that hottest girl and why,” according to Hooman Karamian, the site’s founder. Wrote under the pseudonym “Brock Landers” due to an admiration for a fictional porn actor of the same name featured in the film Boogie Nights (1997).

Rand Paul: Political novice and candidate for Jim Bunning’s open senate seat in Kentucky. Harbors an ambition to be seen as more insanely libertarian than his father, congressman and newsletter-founder Ron Paul. Ophthalmologist to overly trusting patients unconcerned with legitimate board certification or, by extension, continued eye function. Rabid constitutionalist unwilling to entertain the theory that a 222-year-old founding political document may need updating, especially in cases concerning supplementary federal guarantees of human equality. Supports “reduced taxes so that parents can allocate more of their own funds to homeschooling, if they so desire.” Would sue GQ for printing an strange anecdote about his undergrad days at Baylor University, except that “they make it almost impossible for politicians to win anything.” Did not clarify who the “they” of the previous statement are.

Kevin Yoder: Competing to represent Kansas’ 3rd congressional district. Childless and dogless but has in multiple ads used child and canine stand-ins to convince voters of his sperm’s ability to navigate fallopian tubes and his tolerance for house pets respectively. A scant 1,736 Facebook fans (or 0.25% of his district’s population). Frames attacks on Democratic opponent Stephene Moore solely in uninspired puns derived from her surname. Promises he will “work to repeal portions of the Obama/Pelosi Healthcare Legislation that… lower the standards of health care that Americans expect.”

John David “J.D.” Hayworth: Former sportscaster and ex-congressman challenging noted torture survivor John McCain (R-AZ) for his senate seat in a primary. Suspicious physical resemblance to Charles Krauthammer, may have been born from a malignant growth on the syndicated columnist’s back in the late 1950s. In a 1998 magazine survey of 1,200 congressional staff members on both sides of the aisle, was named second-biggest windbag on Capitol Hill and claimed first place in the “No Rocket Scientist” category. Lost his 2006 house reelection to a Democratic opponent endorsed by several prominent Republicans and refused to concede for a week, demonstrating an infant-like resistance to the notion of realities external to his control. Co-wrote a vastly unsuccessful book, Whatever It Takes: Illegal Immigration, Border Security, and the War on Terror that embraced anti-Semitic ideas on “Americanization” advanced by Henry Ford eight decades prior. Sympathetic to birthers, a fringe group of conspiracy theorists whose main turn-on is frivolous litigation. Appeared on MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow Show to defend his assertion that a Massachusetts Supreme Court decision on same-sex marriage had effectively legalized human-horse matrimony.

Trey Gowdy: County Solicitor who defeated incumbent Rep. Bob Inglis in a primary in South Carolina’s 4th district thanks to Inglis’ inadvisable suggestion that his constituents would be better off not watching Glenn Beck. Claimed in an unfocused and grammatically catastrophic ad that “what we really need is … not change or talk, but fight for this country we love.” Says South Carolina requires a senator “who won’t side with the Democrats on global warming.” Hasn’t updated his Twitter or website since his runoff victory over a month ago and has possibly forgotten that there is still the general election ahead. Made the baffling assertion that he is “a prosecutor, not a politician” as though the two positions of affluence and power were mutually exclusive. Blinks as if he has just learned how to blink.

Sharron Angle: Running against Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in Nevada. Compares her campaign to a crusade in allusion to religiously sanctioned barbarisms of the medieval era. Upon expressing her opposition to the legalization of marijuana, remarked that “I feel the same way about alcohol.” Unclear whether she knows alcohol is legal, or that Las Vegas is in Nevada. Aims to abolish the U.S. Department of Education so as to guarantee an incurious and obedient future electorate. Called a $20 billion payment by British Petroleum to victims of the gulf oil spill a “slush fund.” Opposes abortion in cases of rape or incest and claims to have counseled young women in troubled pregnancies to make “a lemon situation into lemonade.” Voted against the fluoridation of drinking water due to crypto-McCarthyist paranoia. Favors a U.S. withdrawal from the United Nations, “the umpire on fraudulent science such as global warming.” Unable to conceal her excitement when wondering if oppressed American citizens may “have to fight for their liberty in more Second Amendment kinds of ways?”

Pamela Gorman: The video should tell you everything you need to know.

Miles Klee is a registered voter.