On Discovering That the Kids Have Drunk Nearly All the Scotch

On Discovering That the Kids Have Drunk Nearly All the Scotch

Good Lord.

The kids have drunk all the Scotch!

Or was it us, and I just didn’t realize?

… I don’t even know anybody who drinks Scotch.

Except the kids, apparently!

It had just been sitting there for ages, nearly full, and now there is only this little splash in the bottom!

They would have done far better to finish it off, and throw the empty bottle out in the recycling; I should never have been the wiser.

But as matters stand!

And just look at all that bourbon, almost a full bottle?

It seems to me that we were a lot better at covering our tracks, at their age.

Oh come on, nothing on God’s green earth earth could be stupider than I was, at their age; really it is a miracle we survived at all; doubly miraculous, that anyone ever emerged alive from Bruce’s station wagon.

One way and another.

I’m going to have to say something.

But what?!

Does this explain why they stay in bed until mid-afternoon, if you don’t force them out with a cattle prod?

Or why the one is forever banging out Chopin on the piano, so late at night?

And so beautifully.

This is what comes of not having a locked liquor cabinet.

There would be no way to hide the key from them, is the thing. They know everything.

Cormac McCarthy mentions this, he says, they just are like wolves:

[T]ryin’ to get the best of a wolf is like tryin’ to get the best of a kid. It ain’t that they’re smarter. It’s just that they ain’t got all that much else to think about.

I will ask: have you guys been drinking Scotch? It is very strong, you know.

You mustn’t let anyone drive who has had Scotch!

It is very very noticeable on the breath; stow such a person on the nearest sofa; I have mentioned before that you should offer wine rather than spirits, if you are having guests.

It is much easier on the head, the next day.

And have it with food, for God’s sake.

There isn’t much gin left, either.

But that is attributable to us.

Maria Bustillos is the author of Dorkismo: The Macho of the Dork and

Act Like a Gentleman, Think Like a Woman.

Photo by chad magiera from Flickr.