From the Desk of Charles Schumer: The Collected Letters

by Eric Spiegelman

Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,

We are writing to express our concern regarding recent changes to the Facebook privacy policy. Providing opt-in mechanisms for information sharing instead of expecting users to go through long and complicated opt-out processes is a critical step towards maintaining clarity and transparency.

Charles Schumer, April 27, 2010.

Dear Mr. Jobs,

I write to express concern regarding the reception problem with the Apple iPhone 4. I believe it is incumbent upon Apple to address this flaw in a transparent manner.

Charles Schumer, July 15, 2010.

Dear Mr. Crowley,

I write to express concern regarding certain features of your application. It has become a source of consternation to me that anyone can create a venue for something even if they are not officially associated with it. Recently, Lindsey Graham created a listing for “Chuck Schumer’s Office” and has checked in enough times to become Mayor. Despite my concerted effort I have been unable to dislodge him from this position. You can imagine how embarrassing this is. Also, members of the Republican Congressional Caucus have been adding “Foursquare tips” to this venue, such as “The Senator is giving out portions of the stimulus fund, personally. Ask him for your share!” I do not have any authority to make such allocations.

Sincerely,
Charles Schumer

Dear Mr. Mustafa,

I write to express my displeasure at not receiving a custom YouTube video response from you. Last week I tweeted, “@OldSpice Hey Old Spice guy, how can a great smelling man help stricken Gulf communities recover from the oil spill?” It was a fantastic opportunity to inspire volunteerism in your audience, but you ignored it. This greatly disappointed me, especially since you found the time to make George Stephanopoulos a video, and his tweet was inane compared to mine. Please do another round of videos to rectify this oversight.

Sincerely,
Charles Schumer

Dear Mr. Hastings,

I write to express my frustration with the recommendation algorithm employed by your service. For some reason, Netflix keeps thinking I would like “Lars and the Real Girl.” I have read several reviews of this film and do not understand why your website thinks it will appeal to my sensibilities. Most of the time its predictions are spot on. It knows, for example, how much I enjoy a good mind-bending critically acclaimed science fiction feature. But this particular recommendation is incorrect, and the frequency with which it is made is starting to make me uncomfortable. Please improve your technology so that the American people no longer have to deal with situations like this.

Sincerely,
Charles Schumer

Dear Mr. Karp,

I write to express dissatisfaction with one particular aspect of your platform. Ten people unfollowed my Tumblr yesterday after I posted that photo of myself with Elena Kagan. I can’t figure out who they are. Please add functionality that allows me to discern their identities.

Sincerely,
Charles Schumer

Charles “Chuck” Schumer is the senior Senator from New York. Eric Spiegelman is a proprietor of Old Jews Telling Jokes.