Ten Tips for Healthy Eating

Everybody knows food makes you less hungry. But did you know it makes you smarter, or fatter, or less fat, sort of, except food always has calories, so either you want to eat just some or eat none of it at all? So here’s my ten tips for healthy eating!

10. Only eat birds that you catch with your own hands, as depicted in the painting above. That way you’re not only eating healthy but you’re getting exercise. Also that way you know you’re not eating gross old dead birds. These birds are fresh, yo!

9. Don’t eat food that’s all hot and sweaty and has been out for a couple of days on your floor and/or counter. It’s gross.

8. Only eat while you do super-squats.

7. I once spent most of a year only eating food that came in bar form. I was pretty skinny by the end of it. I guess that was maybe good? Also is awesome, no dishes and stuff. Just unpeel and eat. Very futuristic. Might be healthy?

6. Only eat your words.

5. Pretend you’re a cat. Did cats in the wild eat toasted grain kibble? NO, THEY DID NOT. Cats ate THINGS THEY CAUGHT. So eat the new healthy cat food. It’s almost cheaper than human food anyway.

4. I sure am hungry right now.

3. One good way to eat healthy is to look at tons of recipes online and try and find the best one and all kinds of new things to make because a couple of hours of that, you’re exhausted and then just make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, which is very good for you, if you’re buying decent food, which you should be. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT “LIVE” SPROUTED BREAD? Not quite as gross as it sounds! Honest!

2. If it’s nasty, spit it out. If it’s down, keep it down.

1. I don’t really have a top #1 tip. I’m not sure I really care what you eat! I mean, as long as you’re not dragging me in to McDonald’s, why do I give a fuck? I don’t even KNOW YOU probably! Some food will probably make you feel like garbage and some food will be boring and lots of food is in that sweet spot in the middle-maybe try that? And, even though I’m incredibly attractive and svelte, I’m not really sure why you’d read some list about your eating habits by some random jackass like me on the Internet ? Leave me alone already, okay?