Summer of Death: The Next Chapter

To: Staff
From: Alex Balk
Re: Seasonal Demises

The passings this weekend of former child star Gary Coleman and actor/director/Ameriprise pitchman Dennis Hopper have resulted in pressure from both internal and external sources for this organization to reassert its hold on the phrase “Summer of Death,” an appellation first bestowed by the site early last July. There are obvious arguments for why we should insist upon our claim over the expression, not least of which being the fact that those sonsofbitches in the rest of the media will happily steal it from us without giving it a second thought. Also, two famous people died.

However, after serious reflection we have decided, particularly given the earliness of the season and the not exactly shocking identities of the two deceased in question-Hopper was dying for months-that it would be prudent at this juncture to refrain from making such an assertion. It is barely June yet, and while our actuaries have forecast a fairly robust summer of celebrity expiration, they advise that we remain in a “hold” position until at least three more C-listers under the age of 70, or two more B-listers no older than 65, or one A-lister of any vintage, make the final journey into the unknown.

Also, we’re still looking for a snappy title. I’m partial to “Summer of Death 2” (tagline: “Death never takes a vacation”), “Again With The Summer Of Death,” or “Summer of Death: Deathsummer 2010,” but am open to suggestions. More on this subject as appropriate.

Oh, btw, happy summer, gang! Let’s make the most of it.

Best, etc.,