Your Mediocre Sperm: Who's To Blame? Does It Matter?

How’s your sperm, fella? Probably not so good, if Science is any indication. In fact, the situation is downright dire!

Professor Niels Skakkebaek, of the University of Copenhagen, describes the issue ‘as important as global warming’. Last week, one science writer even suggested, in starkly terrifying terms, that if scientists from Mars were to study the male reproductive system, they would possibly conclude that man was destined for rapid extinction.

And if it continues, this trend could indicate men are on a path to becoming completely infertile within a few generations.

Well, you know, you don’t really want to have kids anyway, right? And you can pretty much say goodbye to condoms if you’re able to give evidence suggesting that you’ve got bad nads. But still, dude, we’re talking about your sperm. It is right up there with your cock and the fact that you can pretend to listen to someone yammer on about their feelings while you’re actually focused on the game that is playing on the bigscreen TV over their shoulder on the list of things that makes you a man. Who is responsible for this terrible emasculation? Science is here to help: The fault lies with women!

Factors such as women eating a lot of beef during pregnancy — which means they have consumed a diet rich in polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs) that are potentially damaging chemicals — to the issue of obesity during pregnancy and a woman’s exposure to smoke, pesticides, traffic fumes, plastics and even soya beans are all thought to have a bearing on a male foetus’s future fertility.

So, really, it’s a plot by the ladies to despermify us out of existence. Well, whatever, hold back your ire. Let’s look at the last few years of human development. What exactly have we been doing with the gift of life?

[Reality TV producer Doron] Ofir is currently casting for the third season of Jersey Shore, which will feature an entirely new cast; The Persian Version, a Jersey Shore-like take on the Iranian community in Hollywood; Wicked Summer, a Jersey Shore-like take on Massholes (assholes, of course, from Massachusetts); Chongas, a Jersey Shore-like take on Latino gay men; and the aforementioned Friggin’ Weddings, among other projects.

And that’s one guy creating those shows; the rest of us will be watching them. I think, on the whole, it is time to give the reproduction thing a rest and let some other species take over the planet. I vote for bears.