Senator Confounded By Mystery Of Automatic Teller Machine

My dad is a man of the old school. He doesn’t use a computer and isn’t exactly interested in learning how to. (And forget about “the Internet.” Just imagine how difficult it is to explain to him what I do for a living! I gave up after about the hundredth time and told him that I’m a script doctor for anal-themed porn movies. He seemed okay with it.) He likes to gamble, and when I was a kid and arcade games started to become popular he refused to understand the point of playing them, since “what do you win? You’re just pissing those quarters away.” And he is resolutely old fashioned when it comes to banking. (The man carries his cash in a money clip, for God’s sake, although that might have more to do with the fact that he’s Italian.) A couple years ago I went out to see my folks for the weekend and when he picked me up at the train I told him we needed to swing by the bank so I could take some money out. “Uh, you might have a problem there,” he told me. “It’s Saturday, genius. Banks are all closed.” At the time I thought of it as part of his irascible charm, but I am now starting to realize that his ignorance of the workings of the ATM card might actually qualify him to be a United States Senator. Hell, he could even be on the Appropriations Committee. Although he’d probably have a hard time with all of those newfangled “press button to record vote” gizmos they’ve got now.