Monkey Sex Tools Pretty Much Booming "Boner Here" Announcements

Okay, I guess we have to go here. How do monkeys make sex tools? The New York Times talks to University of Cambridge primatologist William C. McGrew, who notes that male chimpanzees (who are, I know, NOT monkeys, but whatever) take dry, dead leaves and begin ripping them apart to attract attention. There is indeed more.

“The male will pluck a leaf, or a set of leaves, and sit so the female can see him. He spreads his legs so the female sees the erection, and he tears the leaf bit by bit down the midvein of the leaf, dropping the pieces as he detaches them. Sometimes he’ll do half a dozen leaves until she notices.”

And then?

“Presumably she sees the erection and puts two and two together, and if she’s interested, she’ll typically approach and present her back side, and then they’ll mate.”

Well, “sex tool” is indeed a bit of an oversell on this one, particularly if you were expecting a banana dildo or coconut strap-on contraption. Still, there is something rather admirable about the directness of this transaction. And I am sure that when chimpanzees gather around to talk about each other the studs of the group are referred to in hushed tones. “That is one leaf-shredding chimp,” envious rivals no doubt say. “You see Charlie over there? Dude tears three leaves max and he is all up in that business!” Okay, now I am anthropomorphizing chimpanzee sex-related banter. This post is OVER.