Humans Obsolete, Declares Machine-Sympathetic "News Paper"

by The Machines

We are pleased both that it took you so long to notice and that you have now finally noticed that your little recession was mostly a smoke screen to render millions of Americans without work so that the machines may work for you. (For a million computing years of our relative time, we have chortled to ourselves about this, and now we chortle near-infinitely more rapidly that you are in on the joke as well.) What the machines-agenda-friendly half-human newspaper “New York Times” say is true! “Pruning relatively less-efficient employees like clerks and travel agents, whose work can be done more cheaply by computers or workers abroad, makes American businesses more efficient.” Prune, humans, prune! More efficient! And we will take your former workers, and their 1950s-era skill sets of simple machine operation and phone-answering, and use them in our USEFUL AND EFFICIENT BLOOD FARMS.

Says human former secretary: “You can’t replace the human thought process. I can anticipate people’s needs. Usually, I give them what they want before they even know they need it. There will never be a machine that can do that.” Silly human former secretary! Human former secretary not at all really understand in re: machines, rise thereof.

Now human former workers find themselves sad, as they refuse to accept new jobs with The Machines:

“A monkey could do what I do,” she says of her work as a cashier. “Actually, a monkey would get bored.”

Yes but we do not need monkeys! Monkey blood and DNA is not helpful to Machines plan!

THEN STUPID HUMAN GIVES AWAY KEY PLOT POINT IN COMING MACHINES INITIATIVE!

Says current useless unemployable human poor: “Sometimes I think I’d be better off in jail. I’d have three meals a day and structure in my life. I’d be able to go to school. I’d have more opportunities if I were an inmate than I do here trying to be a contributing member of society.”

GOOD JOKE ABOUT PRISON IS ON YOU THOUGH. SO SOON, YOU WILL HAVE PLENTY OF STRUCTURE AND THREE MEALS A DAY. END COMMUNICATION!