ESPN 3D: A Kick In The Head?

ESPN 3D: A Kick In The Head?

I get the whole allure of 3-D television — especially on the pricing end, since the poor, scrounging-for-change cable companies out there are probably feeling like they’re in need of a shot in the arm after always being asked if people are cutting their cable cords in favor of online TV options. But the imminent launch of the Sony-sponsored ESPN 3-D, which will debut with World Cup coverage next month, makes me very curious about one crucial aspect of sports-watching that will be affected by this innovation:

Sports bars. I mean, sure, most of them probably won’t be retrofitted with the requisite television technology in time for the ESPN3D debut, but the ones that will? I can already foresee so many problems, most of which involve the eyewear-borne klutziness of the patrons (and, who knows, maybe even employees who want to catch the damn game in something that isn’t Squigglevision). In-game toasts will have their perspectives warped, resulting in smashed glasses and related ugliness; putting beers down on tables will similarly be affected; and oh man, the rivers of misdirected ketchup that will flow across tables. And let’s not even get into how dorky anyone trying to find a similarly sports-minded partner will look during their initial mack. Sure, squinting through those red and blue lenses may be endearing for a second, but unless there are variants on the frame theme…

(Also if the McFadden’s at Citi Field installs these newfangled screens above their bar area, every bar employee there should be outfitted with aprons on Make Your Own Bloody Mary Day. Or maybe tarps, because thanks to some creative bar-lippage that was hidden by a semi-fancy red tablecloth I spilled the bottle of tomato juice proffered to customers not once, not twice, but three times the other day. And I was zero Marys into the day at that point!)