Tao of Dow for April 2: Bieber Expert: The Shocking Truth About 'OMG Bieber'

by Simon Dumenco

In today’s Tao of Dow, Wall Street reacts to:

• Justin Bieber’s disturbingly slack jaw.
• Justin Bieber’s trip to the dentist.

The Awl’s Morning Market Report:

• The Dow Jones Industrial Average gained 70.44 points on Thursday to close at 10,927.07 as the market processed news that Oh my God, OMG Bieber is going to be OK!

Remember the viral sensation known as “OMG Bieber vs. OMG Cat”? Of course you do, it was yesterday. You may also recall Lindsay Robertson’s recent disturbing interview with cat expert Brad O’Farrell, who postulated that OMG Cat’s adorably slack jaw may have been be the sign of a serious health problem. Fearing the same for Bieber, I contacted a Bieber expert, who asked not to be named*. An excerpt from our four-hour conversation:

Bieber Expert: I think OMG Bieber is actually a sick Bieber. Teen pop stars don’t step out of character to personify people unless they’re sick…. I did a little research, and a teen pop star’s mouth hanging open is likely a sign of an infected tooth or an injured tongue. It may also be a broken jaw. In which case, its “OMG” face could be in response to the pain it was enduring.

And you know what? It turns out Bieber Expert was right! There was something wrong with Justin Bieber’s mouth! But — take a deep breath — he’s going to be alright, because he’s gotten it taken care of. Here’s the video proof: “Bieber After the Dentist.”

• Meanwhile, the Nasdaq Composite Index gained 4.62 yesterday to close at 2,402.58 as investors greeted the news that Justin Bieber will not only not be dying of some hideous mouth disease, but will be the musical guest on “Saturday Night Live” on April 10th (Tina Fey is hosting).

P.S. The market is closed today in observance of Good Friday. The Tao of Dow returns on Tuesday.

* Because he does not exist.

Simon Dumenco is The Awl’s Senior Wall Street Correspondent and Justin Bieber Bureau Chief.