Millions of Colds, Staph Infections, Deaths Traced To Apple Stores

– PR NEWSWIRE, FROM JAMA, APRIL 5, 2010: Literally 1 in 200 Americans reported illnesses, strange fungi, odd growths and various hacking coughs after visiting the iPad in its native environment of the Apple Store this weekend. The grubby filth magnet devices, pawed by the elderly and the young alike, were consistently 140% grosser than dollar bills in a taxi cab, scientists reported. While 300,000 were sold on Saturday, the rest remained on those tidy little Apple tables, to infect more visitors with left-behind skin contagions and bits of tween drool-phlegm. No but seriously, my favorite part of The Ritual Visiting of the iPads was the 8-year-old who said to his dad, “See, it’s even got Microsoft Word” as he opened “Pages.” [Photo by Robert Gaal.]