Half Baked: Kentucky Derby Bourbon Balls!

Before I begin, let’s get something out of the way before you all start howling “Dixie” in the comments: I’m not Southern. Not even close. But I do love bourbon and wearing fanciful hats designed to match colorful sundresses and sporting events that only take up three minutes of my actual time (three minutes? Is that correct, sporty ladies? Hoof over here and explain to your batty auntie how these horse races happen!) and therefore I go wild for the Kentucky Derby. And every year I get to trot out one of my signature recipes, which I would be tempted to describe as The Best Thing I Make if I didn’t know how good my carrot cake tastes, and whip up a batch of bourbon balls.

Now then, bourbon balls are easy, if a bit messy, and don’t require cooking, which makes them a lovely little thing to know about in the summer time when the idea of turning on the oven is about as appealing as the prospect of waxing Michele Bachmann’s bikini area. I always find it odd how surprised people are to learn that one doesn’t cook bourbon balls because OH HEY, HI, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BAKE OFF THE BOOZE? but that always seems to throw people.

What I have found somewhat bizarre, but have now gotten used to, is the base of these lil’ pretties: Nilla Wafers. Right? No, no one else ever thinks this is as fascinating a fact as I do.

Let’s begin.

Pour about 2/3 of a box of Nilla Wafers into a Ziploc bag and grab a hammer.

What? Why would I joke about such a thing? Did you miss the time when I told you to stir your punch with a wiffle ball bat? (You did? Please click here!)

Using your hammer, or any other heavy mallet-like object-the blunt side of an extremely large awl, perhaps?-beat the tar out of the cookies. Now listen, I’m not one to advocate violence but sometimes it’s good to imagine that it is a face you are pounding on. Perhaps a specific one! Surely someone on the Internet has made you angry today? So go on, you have my permission to conjure up Foster or Cord or whoever’s visage and get medieval on your Ziploc o’ Nillas.

On second thought, go ahead and double bag those cookies.

You’ll want to end up with 2½ to 3 cups of crushed up Nilla Wafers. Oh and do make sure they’re finely pulverized. No one needs to encounter a lump in their balls.

Once you’re done assaulting the wafers, dump them into a large mixing bowl and measure a half cup of pecans into your Ziploc bag. If it didn’t survive the vicious beating it just took, get another one out. Oh my God, yes FINE you can do this all in your processor but that’s no fun at all and you know what? I’d appreciate it if you left my party.

Beat those nuts until they’re sort of chopped up looking. If you’re feeling knife-y and prefer to actually chop them be my guest-whatever kinky shit you’re into is none of my business. Put the nuts in the bowl with the cookie crushies. Roll your eyes at the fact that I just used the term “cookie crushies.” Get over it. Add in a half cup of unsweetened cocoa powder and 1 cup of confectioners’ sugar. (That’s the powdered stuff.) Stir it all up real good.

Okay now comes the fun part! Actually, the massacring of the cookies and nuts was pretty fun, yes? Whee! (I’ve not been tippling, I swear! I totes have been!) To the dry mixture you’re going to add 3 tablespoons of light corn syrup, which is most commonly found under the brand name Karo. I could write a dissertation on the glory of Karo syrup, except that I’m secretly an incredibly lazy person and would never actually commit to such a thing but trust-my love for Karo syrup runs crazy deep. I might be rubbing some on me right now.

After you’ve got your Karo in there, measure out a half cup of bourbon and pour that in too. You will be tempted to add more than that. Do not-DO NOT-do so. Listen, I’m an alcoholic and I’m telling you that half a cup of hooch is more than enough so please trust me on this. STOP THAT. I SEE YOU TRYING TO ADD MORE BOURBON. Uch. You people are impossible.

Grab a wooden or plastic spoon and begin to stir. Can I be honest? The stirring? It’s haaaaaard. Shit be sticky. What now? No, she actually did not say that, as a matter of fact. God. If the mixture seems too dry and crumbly add more syrup.

I said syrup, not bourbon.

Once your mixture has come together, get out one or two large cookie sheets and your cookie scoop. What do you mean you don’t have a cookie scoop? Were you raised by wolves? I could write a dissertation on the glory of the cookie scoop, except that I’m secretly etc., etc. If you don’t have a cookie scoop just use a spoon you neanderthal, and begin measuring out the mixture and rolling it into one-inch balls. This task is a mess, by the way. It will look-and truly I apologize for this imagery-like you’ve decided to eschew toilet paper altogether in pursuit of a greener life. Just… be ready for that. Coating your hands in powdered sugar helps things immensely. Usually I dump a whole bunch of it on the cookie sheet so I can keep patting my paws in it as needed, and also to make the last part of the process-rolling the balls in the confectioners’ sugar-super easy.

Once you’ve got all your bourbons a’balled and coated in a dusting of powdered sugar, place them in an air tight container. The bourbon flavor will mellow in a few days, which is why I insist on eating them all straightaway.

Jolie Kerr tried really hard not to make a testicle joke in the course of writing this recipe. She did not succeed.