Burger King Now Serving Breakfast Late

Burger King is doing its part to help accelerate our country’s incipient extinction-through-obesity program by bringing brunch-a meal heretofore only available to sophisticated metropolitans like the ladies from “Sex and the City” (this was the actual example provided by CNN)-to its customer base of slovenly, ill-mannered buffoons whose lack of proper dentistry makes the concept of “chicken fries” both palatable and easy on the gums. But how will the company be able to educate a clientele which is surely ignorant of customary brunch refinements such as “napkins” and “salad forks,” that there is more to a meal than an overheated patty of gristle and cow anus quickly washed down with a chocolate-seeming substance that has been thickened with potato starch? By mixing the exotic with the familiar.

The menu is set to feature a breakfast sandwich of eggs, cheese, tomato, ham, bacon and smoky tomato sauce served on Ciabatta bread, Whoppers (which are not usually available in the morning) and the BK Mimosa — a nonalcoholic version of the classic cocktail with Sprite standing in for the traditional champagne.

Sacrilege! The idea that the Mimosa, that elite, urbane concoction-the nectar of the upper class, the ambrosia of the aristocracy-should be shared with the Nickelback-loving plebes in even a bastardized form such as this is horrifying. I hope the gentry responds by adopting a sacred dining custom of the lower orders and turning it into something it can call its own. I suggest le repas quatrième.