'Architectural Digest' Blows Minds with Gerard Butler's "New York Loft"

It’s been far too long since we’ve had an installment of “reading magazines whilst getting pedicures,” but recently I have had my mind BLOWN by a magazine. Oh yes. I can’t even begin to explain how great the May issue of Architectural Digest is. Their theme is “People and Places.” Which is a radical departure from every other issue since 1920. And just like their December 2009 cover. Holy crud, this magazine!

Yes, that is Scottish not bisexual rogue Gerard Butler, shoeless in his Chelsea love pad, on the cover, provocatively shot to display-well, if he were a naked cat, he’d be showing both the meat and the veg and also his little pink cat spot? (Sorry, but look at that! That’s a weird way to be on the cover of a magazine!) These jeans are funny too, I’ve seen them before, they’re not Dior, I think, but can you see the funny seams above the ankle? What are those?

Anyway, then we go inside his monochrome beige screw-pad, which, SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS, you would just start giggling? It’s the now version of the swinging London shag pad, sort of. I mean, listen, I rather admire Gerard Butler. He is a big lout who likes to laugh and doesn’t seem to care about things too much, or at least, didn’t until recently maybe? And this house does seem like he was like “I WANNA HAVE FUN AND BE A DUDE HERE, JUST HANGING, MAYBE WITH SOME BROS.”

It is apparently 3300 square feet and on two floors? Also Butler has a “penchant for old crumbling walls.”

Okay THEN they go to Sting and Trudie Styler’s house in London? Which is all about a renovation of a house from 1700, which involved propping up 100 tons of house to deal with the garden and the family room? It was VERY ARDUOUS. (Also exquisitely expensive no doubt.)

Then there’s Robert Zemeckis (Back to the Future II and III!) and his castle in Tuscany! Also hideous! Obviously a great view, but you know, it’s TUSCANY.

AND THEN there’s Joshua Bell, the adorable violinist, you know the one, and there’s some 4000 square foot penthouse in the Flatiron District, which looks remarkably as if it has never been touched by a human being, all cold and empty and 80s-chic. (Nice roof, however, which looks directly out toward the clocktower at the foot of Madison Square Park, so you know where more or less to stalk him now.)

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE. Stephen Huvane, yes the publicist, and his fun-seeming younger lover, and their houses in LA and Palm Springs, which are… nice! I mean, you know, it ain’t the projects! AND THEN! There is TREY PARKER’S “JAPANESE STYLE AT HIS COLORADO RETREAT.” Which is a massive building in Steamboat Springs, which has tatamis and shit. Did you guys know this? It has a TV as long as a drawbridge. There is a tea house. I dunno.

The magazine tails off mightily after that climax with Alan Ladd Jr.’s house in Beverly Hills. You know, it has dining room chairs with puffy covers and stuff. People! Places! I mean, it’s like you don’t know what hit you after experiencing this much crazy.

And you know how the cover promises “Lance Armstrong in Texas”? Eh, it’s just a little thing on his Foundation’s “LEED-Certified” space. (Um, basically, I could get Gerard Butler’s crotch LEED-certified, so, color me not impressed.)