Actually Most Birds Are Man-Hopping, Status-Seeking Whores

Don’t worry, ladies! “The Bird Detective,” a forthcoming collection of research on bird lovin’, explains that birds all around us are perpetually trading up, ditching their husbands and babies and looking for hotter birds with whom to spread sushi on their taut, aging bodies. So it’s not capitalism, or the paradox of choice, or plain old postmodern inertia and ennui that makes modern dating and romancing a nightmare of fickle sluttiness and Carrie Bradshawism, it turns out. Animals are just like that. Embrace it! Birds are skanks and so are you!