Bring Me The Hand Of The Demented Whist Player

There’s been another blow struck to the national heritage of Knifecrime Island, as the severed hand of swindling cardsharp was stolen from the pub in Wiltshire where it had been on display for nearly a century. The vexed spirit of its owner, thought to still be a regular at the establishment, will no doubt be even more troubled by this disturbing bit of metacarpal thievery.

According to local legend the ghost of the Demented Whist Player is said to haunt the pub.

Pub owner Antony Leroy added: ‘Visitors here often comment on feeling strangely cold in certain parts of the building and staff are regularly frustrated when items are moved or hidden, only to reappear a few weeks later.

‘It is thought that the Demented Whist Player is tormented by the loss of his hand, which was severed in a card game because of cheating.’

Even worse, notes a bartender, “We’ve got a big group of school children waiting to see it who are going to be very disappointed.” This is truly tragic. If a group of youngsters cannot go to a tavern to see the mummified limb of a dishonest gambler-a national symbol of the nation’s penchant for knifing-can we really consider Britain to be a civilized society anymore? It says here no.