A Virus Victim Seeks Assistance

Good FUCKING Lord. I just spent the better part of two hours removing some dickserrating virus from my poor computer. You can IMAGINE how pleased I am right now. It was some sort of pox on humanity called Antivirus which installs itself through Adobe or something and requires an intensive series of maneuvers to remove, none of which I’m remotely qualified to perform. And let’s not even mention the shame of infection. (Yes, here is where you Mac people can laugh at me. I am happy for you that your shiny, expensive machines are so rare that evil people will not even bother creating viruses for them.) Anyway, I need your help.

This computer (I call him ‘Putey) is OLD. Like, seriously ancient. I’ve had it since before I was at Gawker, which was a million years ago. It’s filthy, it runs extremely slowly, if you have more than two applications going at a time it wheezes and grunts like an old man trying to get up from a park bench, etc. But I love it, and cannot yet bear to part with it, particularly since I lack the funds to procure a replacement. I repeatedly and naively assure myself that soon there will be money and I will purchase a new, lightning-fast machine which tells me how great I am and automatically searches for bear videos without prompting. Until that day comes, however, it’s me and ‘Putey, tapping out words like we have done since time immemorial. So I have a question: What anti-virus protection do you use?

Bear in mind that I am not prone to viruses. This is actually the first one I’ve ever really been affected by, and for a man who watches as many Estonian fellatio videos as I do (I’m sorry if you are offended on behalf of your own ethnicity, but trust me, no one does it better than the talented Tallinnese) that’s pretty remarkable. More importantly, bear in mind that I am POOR, and if I’m going to get a new computer soon anyway (please God please God please) I’d prefer to use something that is priced competitively, i.e. free. I just downloaded Spybot, which seems to have cured me of the testicle-crushing affliction that caused this morning’s problems, but if you know of something better, I’m all ears. Or, to put it in regular blogese, What do you think about free virus protection software? Tell us in the comments!