Team Earth! A Cure for the Common Cold

by Xarissa Holdaway

Everyone’s got a “green vertical” these days, because the planet is very important. Now, thank the Goddess, we have one too.

If you are like me, you have many friends who care a lot about the planet and are trying to “reduce” their “impact,” as well as put fewer (non-natural) drugs in their bodies. It’s a return to simpler, older ways of doing things. Along the way, people have discovered that worm composting is fun! But there are so few “green” options when you get sick. With an overburdened, groaning health care system and all the hormones and chemicals that are already coming through your insufficiently-regulated drinking water, there’s not a lot you can do. Except, it turns out, when you have a cold.

Colds are the bane of the medical world: they make a lot of people very unhappy and clog up emergency rooms because many of those unhappy people are stupid, and there’s really no way to cure them (of either the colds or the stupidity-zing!). So an entire industry has sprung up around mitigation: decongestants, throat relievers, our old friend yerba mate tea. But colds have been around long before Sudafed, so why not test some of your grandma’s remedies?

Grandma was smart, and knew how to save both money and energy, a truly necessary thing in our profligate society. Unfortunately, my grandmas are kind of senile, but I have a Helpful Friend who knows her grandma’s old world cures, and she was kind enough to rescue me from my cold with an effective, cheap, home remedy to plugged sinuses. In case you are so inclined, I have written a handy, step-by-step guide below. In a culture where Afrin junkies exist, let’s say Down with Big Pharma!

Please note: this method will make your face feel like it is exploding and you should not try it.

The first thing to do is to mix together vinegar and water. Don’t get too picky, about half and half is good, and as long as it’s clear vinegar and doesn’t smell like sherry or anything, you’re fine. Apple cider, white distilled whatever. You just want that good, astringent vinegar smell. Put this mixture in a glass or bowl with a wide enough mouth that you can stick your whole schnozz in it. Neti pots are for pansies, and will not give you the result described below. Don’t mess around with saltwater, it is simply insufficient to clear a really well-blocked nasal passage.

Start off with something relaxing. There are lots of dangerous bacteria in your ears, so lie on one side on the floor and use a bottle cap or something similar to pour a few drops of the vinegar-water into your ear. Let it sit there and tickle around for a minute or two. Clap a paper towel over that ear, switch sides, and repeat. Doesn’t that feel good? This is fun, right? Chat with Helpful Friend, who is so nice as to help you with your cold. Why do people go buy cold medicine? This is a much more civilized way of doing things.

Now for the real task: allegedly killing all those yucky germs in your sinuses that are making you so miserable. Go into your bathroom, and have a few tissues handy. Steel yourself. Helpful Friend says this will hurt for about 15 seconds, but you know you can take it. You didn’t even cry that time a car hit your bike and you had to have 17 stitches in your arm! You have two options here: either snort the vinegar-water into both nostrils at once, or do them one at a time. You’re new at this, so I won’t call you a wuss for only doing one. Baby steps! Bending over the sink, plug the left nostril with the thumb of your left hand, breathe in, breathe out, submerge your nose in the bowl and snort deeply.

This is where results vary. It is wise to have kept the lid up on your toilet, in case you don’t react well to this last step. I won’t judge you if you throw up, because the sensation you are experiencing now is that you have just blown up your face. It’s understandable that you may be a little nauseated. Also you might want to have left some towels in a handy heap on the floor, because your natural instinct to snort that vinegar back out may have caused you to hit your head on the faucet or your cabinet, and you’ll want something soft to land on.

It may actually be preferable to spend the next ten minutes unconscious. If you aren’t that lucky, have your best swear words at the ready. Helpful Friend will forgive this outburst, and also the tears, vinegar-scented mucus and drool that are oozing from every one of your facial orifices. Helpful Friend may even be handing you additional tissues, because Helpful Friend is a nice person and it’s a shame that she’s going to die so soon.

Once the shaking has subsided, move to a more comfortable position, with five or six boxes of tissues lined up in front of you. This is the good part, where all that gunk is purged like so much germ-ridden Cuyahoga river water. You will start blowing your nose approximately three times a minute for the next eternity, so maybe put on an episode of Planet Earth. You could also converse with Helpful Friend, who is being very kind about not laughing at you for what was obviously intended as a prank. She will need to carry the conversation, though, as you can only breathe through your mouth and can’t really talk, drain skull and breathe at the same time. Here are some fun things you can ponder as your sinuses clear themselves:

• The human body is a miracle of evolutionary engineering, and has channels, of which you are typically unaware. You can feel the vinegar in all sorts of places you would never expect: your eyeballs, your throat, the bit of your spine right at the top that connects to your skull. Even your left hand is slightly twitchy, but you should disregard this, as it is merely the natural instinct to strangle Helpful Friend.
• The amount of tissues you are going through easily amounts to a small, probably old-growth Amazon forest that could have prevented global warming. Feel guilty about this, but not for too long, because the good news is that…
• There are many “green living” websites that recommend you disinfect your counters and floors with a 50–50 solution of vinegar and water. Take comfort in the fact that your nasal passages are now clean enough for a toddler in an organic onesie to eat mashed bananas and applesauce off them.
• It might be best not to think about applesauce while looking at what’s coming out of your nose, unless it is to ponder….
• How many ways are there to kill a person with applesauce? Drowning, poisoning, maybe feeding her so much applesauce that the pH balance in her cells is overwhelmed and they all burst like little stars.

After about half an hour, you will find yourself beset by uncontrollable sneezing, the kind where you are in fear for the integrity of your eyeballs. Hurts so good! At last you begin to suspect you are reaching the end of your body’s capacity to produce mucus. Don’t worry too much if what you’re sneezing out looks a little like grey matter. You weren’t using those cells, anyway.

Sidebar! If you are like me, when you were a kid, your mom may have had a special kind of procedure done on her nasal passages to correct persistent blockages and infections. Though you were not in the room, you remember her saying that at one point, she had to sit up over a bowl, heavily anesthetized, so all the nasty stuff in her head could drain out and they could piece her back together. Feel very proud of yourself for having essentially accomplished the same thing, but without the drag of medical school and with no drugs whatsoever! You’re practically a doctor.

So now you’ve reached the end of the mucus flow, and feeling rather weak and virtuous. Helpful Friend, at this point, may suggest that it is a good time to do the other nostril. If you had more balls you would have done both at once.

From your prostrate position, you will hear Helpful Friend saying something to the effect of, “I forgot to mention, you won’t really feel clear until tomorrow. All the mucus is gone, but the nasal tissues are inflamed from the vinegar.” It’s hard to tell if that’s what she said, because your teeth hurt, and you can’t really hear much. She’s probably right though, since you are still breathing through your mouth. She asks if you want some Tylenol for the swelling, and she thinks it’s very cute that you ask for a machete instead. A few minutes later, she wishes you a cheery goodnight, and doesn’t even make you get up to let her out. Sleep exactly where you are on the floor, since your inner ear isn’t doing so great and you maybe won’t be able to stand up.

There are some very specific instructions for next-day care. Helpful Friend suggests you snort some more vinegar in the morning, “just to make sure everything is dead.” My instructions diverge slightly. I recommend you visit your nearest pharmacy first, to pick up some Afrin. You don’t really need it now, but you will the next time you get sick. Also, the behind-the-counter Claritin, some tea, and seven or eight bottles of aspirin. Best to be prepared during cold season. While you’re there, since it’s winter, you should be able to find an ice pick. Failing that, a few bottles of applesauce. Since Helpful Friend was so sweet and wonderful, it’s only fair you pay her a visit.

Xarissa Holdaway never reads past the first page of Google results for alternative remedies.