How To Ruin Valentine's Day For Straight People

Is Esquire just for men who hate women? Or is it just a sideline? Their Valentine’s Day date ideas package… written by a woman… is stuffed with resentment and seething anger! So maybe this is some Valerie Solanas thing going on, where some rogue lady writer is trying to destroy heterosexualism? For the inert, useless Esquire reader, they have recommendations “For the Woman Expecting You to Propose” (give her a “spa day”! Because “It’s no ring, but it’s indulgent enough for her to brag about to her friends.” Ha, prepare to die). There is the advice that you “Don’t spend more than: $35 on a ton of good, cheap wine” which is “For the Woman Who Doesn’t Want to Do Anything.” And: “For the Clingy Girlfriend: An Hour of Ice Skating.” (Um: “Why she’ll like it: Hand-holding, hot chocolate, sweaters — it’s you that might have the tough time here.”) Also they suggest you take your “friend with benefits” to a strip bar. Lots of luck, fellas!