Badvertorial: One 'Esquire' Undermines the Other

May I totally gay out on you for a minute? There are two Esquires, at war with each other. There is the magazine that published the Roger Ebert profile, which is, by all accounts, amazing. (I can’t read it yet because I don’t have any time for a meltdown right now!) Then there is the magazine that is producing “Inside Their Olympics: Get All-Access Analysis from Lovely Athletes at the Winter Games (Easier on the Eyes Than Costas, Eh?),” starring “North America’s Loveliest Olympians,” which, wow, seriously, stab yourselves, your ironic Mad Men shtick is not actually ironic. I think it is this latter Esquire that is giving away clothes today.

“The gray suit is a sartorial staple, and it’s the expert tailors at Hugo Boss that hammer home that point,” goes the advertorial copy Esquire, in a sentence that simultaneously blows and enlimpens (not a word!) the mind.

Suit value: $1195.00. No purchase required! And other conditions! “Winners will be selected in a random drawing from among all eligible entries received on or about 4/1/10. Canadian winners will be required to correctly answer a mathematical testing question as a condition of receiving a prize.”

(Yes, it’s the always amusing Canadian sweepstakes laws at work.)

So: Hugo Boss? I mean, fine, this is an article of business attire, and in our society, which despises nudity, people must wear clothing, especially while practicing business. (Even in Canada.)

But right now, pretty much every decent winter suit is on sale for 75% off right now. So anything made of wool can be had for less (often far less) than $1200, whether it is Zegna or Neil Barrett or Paul Smith or anything (by which I mean, pretty much everything) that is better than Hugo Boss. That a (FREE!) not-so-great $1200 suit is supposed to be candy-bait to Esquire readers speaks poorly of exactly who the advertorial staff thinks are Esquire readers. (Particularly with the ALL-CAPS on TWELVE-HUNDRED-DOLLAR. I know, I know: I am a homosexual who lives in Manhattan, but when I hear “$1200 suit,” all I can think is, “Uh huh? You mean like at Men’s Wearhouse or whatever?”)

The Esquire reader should be turning his nose up at this suit, in particular because he is told in every single issue what suit he should buy (usually incorrectly, to be fair) and exactly how he should roll up his sleeves (wait, that’s GQ, sorry) and which cufflinks are for wearing after 6 p.m. The Esquire reader should use this Hugo Boss suit to wipe his bottom, not to put on the outside of his nudity while in an office environment, presumably only to remove it before his afternoon squash appointment.