Animals Clearly Trying To Tell Us Something Through Horrific Violence

I generally support zoos and aquariums. Because I think it’s good for people to observe and learn about animals, despite the cruelty inherent to keeping them in pens. But, man, after the ice-skating bear that killed its trainer in Kyrgyzstan, and the circus tiger that mauled its trainer during a dinner show in Germany, and now the killer whale that drowned trainer Dawn Brancheau in front of an audience full of children at Orlando’s SeaWorld yesterday-the third human death associated with this same whale! It’s like a Dino De Laurentiis movie-you get the feeling that it’s maybe time to reconsider the wisdom of having captive animals perform for us. We put these massive, powerful, naturally free-roaming creatures in a box a tiny, tiny fraction of the size of their natural habitat-”an area that to them is like the size of a bathtub,” according to a statement from PETA about the latest incident-and teach them to do tricks for food, and soon enough it’s Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. “I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you?” The next thing you know, they’re stuffing us in a trunk and borrowing steak knives from their moms.

As if the killer whale story is not terrible enough, the Times revisits an even more nightmarish episode that occurred around this time last year. You remember: in Connecticut, Travis, the friendly and beloved 200-pound pet chimp drinks wine and takes prozac, goes crazy and mauls face and hands off visiting family friend, owner is forced to stab beloved pet chimp with butcher knife, cop shoots beloved pet chimp, who walks back into house to die in comfort of its own cage. Today’s update focusses on the psychological trauma suffered by the cop, Frank Chiafari. And includes the quote, “There are thumbs and fingers all over the place.” And that’s not even the worst part. I swear to god, this one is a real-life horror movie. Melissa Lafsky should be writing about it, not me. I’m supposed to take my kid to the zoo sometime this summer.