Michael O'Donoghue Remembered

Mr. Mike

The late Michael O’Donoghue, who among other things was the first head writer of “Saturday Night Live,” would have turned 70 today. I am going to use that occasion as an excuse to quote from what still remains one of the funniest pieces I have ever read. It comes from his brief run as a Spin columnist. The subject is Liza Minelli.

Liza. Freaky, mawkish Liza with those waif-found-stuffed-in-a-drainpipe looks and that paperback version of Judy’s voice. Liza, not so much a human being as a walking collection of show business tics. Liza, whose career is based on the belief that you can’t overuse the words “special” and “magic.” Liza with an “F.”

Obviously, on a sane planet, she would be kept in a cage and people would pay a small amount-no more than a quarter-to poke her with a stick. Yet here on Earth, she’s a big star. Why, you ask, and rightly so? I’ll tell you why. Because her mother, who always looked like she was two seconds from jumping off a high ledge, knew an incredible secret — a secret so dark and twisted that it has never been spoken aloud-a secret any Rosicrucian would give his left nut to possess-forbidden knowledge older than the pyramids unveiled here for the first time-a secret guarded by the rich and powerful for centuries yet I reveal it to you for the price of a rock’n’roll magazine-a dreadful secret that Judy, lying on her death bed, with seconds to live, leaned over and whispered into her daughter’s ear:

“The person in the most pain wins.”

The whole thing is here.