Good News! 600 Talking Bibles Dispatched to Haiti

Hundreds of “solar-powered audible Bibles that can broadcast the holy scriptures in Haitian Creole to 300 people at a time” have been dispatched to Haiti. You see, God powers them, through his brother, the sun, and then people turn the cranks when they want to crank up the word of God to everyone in a two-block radius. Then the talking bible tells everyone to “eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood” and everyone turns into vampires. I think.