Britons In Pitched Battle To See Who Can Drink Themselves To Death Fastest

Has Knifecrime Island’s trouble with drink reached epidemic proportions? New figures show that alcohol-related deaths in Britain have doubled since the 1990s. And everyone’s getting in on the game: Almost 42,000 cases of hospitalization in three years for those under 18 (or “35 children every DAY,” as the Mail has it) were related to alcohol, “middle-class professionals” drink 13.8 alcohol units a week (surpassing their proletarian countrymen, who average 10.6), and 20% of British women over 65 admit to drinking alone on the days they consume the most alcohol. It seems fairly shocking. In related news,

A pub chain is to promote large wine glasses, equivalent to a third of a bottle, in a bid to draw women aged 35 and over into its bars. The controversial decision by Greene King is part of a feminine revamp that will see some bars adorned with flowers, glossy magazines and complimentary toiletries….One of the key changes will be to promote ‘much larger’ wine glasses for these 35+ women who have been labelled SWAGs — Sassy, Wise and Grown Up.

Well, at least that will get them out of the house.