American Girl is an Argument Against Having Girls

There are actually maybe sorta-good reasons for prenatal sex selection, apart from crazed first-world selfishness and a passing interest in eugenics. There are, in fact, reasons to avoid having a girl-child as wide-ranging as things like “Miley Cyrus” and “institutionalized sexism” (note to self: are those same thing? Do some research later!) but really the greatest reason is American Girl, the tween-oriented “historical” doll makers (and now movie creators), whose dolls have backstories ranging randomly from the American Revolution to the swingin’ 70 (this includes Addy Walker, fugitive slave girl in 1864!). Obviously, American Girl is designed to sneak into girls’ minds like a corporate tribble, compelling them to plead for ever-larger, increasingly expensive products. Hence the new “Lanie’s Camper,” which weighs 43 pounds, requires intense adult assembly, retails for $295 and is only suited for those giant houses in the suburbs which are big enough to contain a playroom and also are too expensive to heat, so that said tween will be playing with the dollhouse-camper whilst clad in sweaters and two pairs of leggings. Someday there’ll be a late-00s era historical doll about girls who played with historical dolls.