Mr. Wrong: Happy The Holidays

Are you preparing for The Holidays or possibly enjoying some The Holidays right now? It’s The Holiday Season in America right now, so please allow me to be one of the many people who will wish you a hearty “Happy The Holidays” this Year Of Our Lord Two-Thousand-Zero-Zero-Party Over-Almost-Ten, OK? I really don’t feature all that crap about how there is a “War On Xmas” and shit just because people say “Hey man, have a Happy The Holidays and a great New Year, umkay?” That noise comes from the same crowd who says Pollution doesn’t Pollute anything, you know?

99% of the people I bestow a “Happy The Holidays” upon are total fucking Strangers, right? How the fuck should I know which The Holidays they do, you know?

I mean, the other day I was on the phone with my Credit Card and I was talking to somebody who sounded like they were at least recently from India or something, and she was nice, and after she told me that if I paid The Money tomorrow, right to the Bank, the phone calls would stop, she said to me to have a good rest of the day and Happy Holidays, so I said back to her, hey, you too, and I know she’s working off a Script and shit, but now I gotta Return the Serve as sort of a simple required-politeness, and I totally meant mine. Brighten the fucking corner where you live, OK?

All I know about the phone-lady is what I could Profile from being on the phone. I used to ask phone-people where they were working, just because I am Interested in what the weather is like in other places Right This Minute and also, for some reason, I think it’s cool to be talking on the telephone to somebody really Far Away, you know? But then I heard that people would yell and scream at phone-collectors and abuse the shit out of them for being Foreigners, so I stopped asking and would instead concentrate on not cursing, but based on my past experiences, usually the people I deal with on the phone are in India, or Utah, or someplace that becomes interesting to me simply because it is Far Away. But I’m not really interested in Utah.

I’m not mad because somebody in fucking Bangalore has a job, you know? Especially a job of calling people on the phone to remind them they’re broke, right? So I figure I got wished a Happy The Holidays by somebody who doesn’t do any of my The Holidays, but why overthink this shit? Just because it is my tradition to do Santa-Claus-Jesus doesn’t mean I gotta burn any calories wondering if the person who wishes me Happy The Holidays does what I do or does what They do, you know? You fucking wish me some Happy The Holidays and I will wish you that shit right back, and mean it. I will not get Offended because maybe you don’t mean Santa-Jesus. I don’t care if you Believe in any of that shit, and not just because I don’t (Believe in things), but because Santa and Jesus do, and They would not get their respective vestments in a bunch because they thought somebody didn’t do them, see?

Also, I usually put “Xmas” just because “X” is a cool letter, and technically I heard the Greeks or somebody would use the “X” as shorthand for Santa Claus, so Merry Xmas, as well, OK? And I totally don’t even worry about saying Merry Fucking Christmas to somebody who doesn’t make Xmas, OK? It is a Positive Salutation, period. When I say “Happy The Holidays,” I mean Happy Your The Holidays, and when you “Happy The Holidays” on me, I process that as my The Holidays. Enjoy you The Holidays!

Anyway, I have frequently enjoyed my The Holidays many times, but I am not really feeling very The Holidays at this point in our trip around the Sun. I mean, if I still have a job when the The Holidays I get a day off for come around, I will totally enjoy my Day Off With Pay and all attending Rights and Privileges, but basically I am broke, and as an American, I realize a lot of Our (as in U.S.) The Holidays are money-centric and good for The Economy, and that totally irks my ass because the Rich People are totally fucking not doing what they are supposed to, to wit; Buying Lots Of Shit for the Economy and to give that shit away in the Spirit of The Holidays, as opposed to The Man mind-controlling broke-ass people into being whipped up by Bargains and shit and getting them to line up at the stores at 4 a.m. in the fucking o’clock of the morning. Have you seen this shit? What kind of proof do any Conspiracy Theorists need that We are being run by The Man? The goddamn fucking teevee news runs all these bits on fucking Holiday Shopping, for fuck’s sake. Look at all the bargain-hunters! Fucking lemmings! Stop trying to make me feel Bad about not buying anybody anything for Xmas, OK? I’m broke. And Rich People, those stupid fucking Lexus ads with the big bow on top of the car? Those ads are for you guys. Don’t feel like you’re limited to buying a Lexus, just please to go ahead and buy a whole bunch of cars and give ’em away as gifts, OK? It will be good for The Economy.

I’m also not very The Holidays-feeling because I put a grand into my Health thing at my job where you put the money ahead of time and then spend it on your Medical Health and then the Health Insurance kicks you back the money and you somehow avoid paying taxes on it, I think. I don’t know. I just went for it, because at work they said it was a Good Idea, but I had a good time living my life this year and didn’t want to spend any time hanging out where a lot of Sick People are (no offense) so now I don’t think I have enough time left this year to go to the Dentist (which I should go to because I re-chipped the tooth I chipped on a fucking beer bottle) or Podiatrist (which I should go to because I need a new pair of things for my shoes because I have the High Arches) or whatever, and pay for it, and then get it kicked back to me. Also, I am fucking broke, so I would have to pay for the Eye Doctor (which I should go to because I have blurry eyes) or the Dermatologist (which I should also go to because I think I have a thing on my leg) before I could get the money kicked back to me, and the only way I could do that right now is to use a fucking credit card, which I think defeats the purpose of stashing money ahead of time so I could save on taxes. My head hurts thinking about this shit. Next year I’m not putting any money into that deal, seriously, I’ll just pay fucking taxes on my Wages and then spend the money. On The Holidays.

Previously: Hate School, or BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMAPOTUS

Mr. Wrong appears every three weeks or so in the Baltimore City Paper, which is not frequently enough, hence he is here. He is also here and here.