Lakewood Has Way More Jersey Mayhem Than It Knows What To Do With

What is going on in Lakewood, New Jersey? This town of 40,000 residents, just a dollop of hair gel’s throw from the Seaside Heights beach house occupied by the proud guidos of that show on MTV which is not to be named, has been dominating the Asbury Park Press’s Jersey Mayhem section in a very unhealthy way of late.

First, on Thursday, a 17-year-old boy was shot and killed and robbed of a pair of sneakers. That is terrible. That is like the late 80s.

On Monday, a man with a history of mental illness pleaded guilty to attacking a rabbi with a baseball bat in October. (That’s like Los Angeles in the nows!)

Then, on Saturday, a man was arrested after coming at a couple with a bayonet. (That’s like Bayonne.) Thirty-three-year-old Michael Cappello has been charged with aggravated assault, terroristic threats and weapons offenses:

“The victims, who know Cappello, told police they were at the store to buy supplies for the upcoming snowstorm when he entered, appearing drunk and agitated. After Cappello allegedly threatened to stab the woman, 44, the dispute moved outside, [Patrolman David] Liantonio said. Cappello emerged from the store with the 6–1/2-inch blade and a piece of metal rebar. He then lunged at the husband, who put up his hand and was cut between left pinkie and ring finger. The husband, who had pulled his own knife from his car, refused medical attention, Liantonio said.

Oh, is that a bayonet? Hold on a second, let me just get the knife from my car. Fair’s fair after all. And we are in Lakewood.