Extra-Dumpy Pants Making a Comeback

Stuart Elliott at the NYT is hysterical. Check it, he says, “FIRST, Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. Now, Dockers will try to bring khaki back.” MAHAHAHAHAHA. Isn’t that great? I mean, I don’t know about you but I think mashing that message into the squarest lead ever is some boss shit.

The weird thing is, Dockers are absolutely ripe for return. The price-point is sweet at around $27-$35 a pop which is rare for garments with crotches. The author posits that they’ll see some friction in competing for the affections of men wearing SWRVE pants which makes exactly fuck-all sense since they cost about a hundred bucks more and are purveyed at your finest cycling stores but where Dockers is egregiously fumbling is that they’re not quietly going for the James-Perse-at-Dickies-prices lane. It’s confusing since their parent company Levi’s is so cannily positioned right now on the heels of their awesome Whitman ad campaign. They could have the soft cotton twill game on lock if they didn’t feel the need to trot out douchechill ad slogans like “it’s time to wear the pants” and “khaki diem” (baaaaaarf) and capture the fancy of the youth market by telling them to “man up.” And never mind that they got a female SVP to declare it’s sufficiently vetted “to make sure it’s not sexist.”

You can keep the classic cut-the rear flattening, gut cinching, pleated kind that are perfect for fat dudes, foreign substitute teachers, or dick-swinging aggy ex-white hats who can’t stand without their feet being really far apart-so as not to alienate the core, and a modified, leaner, flat-front one for sexy poor people and ladies. They could occupy the slot that American Eagle Outfitters’ denim does for women in that we all SILENTLY own a pair.

So yes, Dockers could happen. They just need two cuts, four colorways, two weights, a Harrington jacket (am I right?) and they’d be right at home in those shit-eating steampunk stores next to the Filsons or in skateshops next to the SBs. I win. Someone give me a job.